Being enamored for years with the biographies and autobiographies of great people, I recently enjoyed reading Just As I Am, Dr. Graham’s autobiography. As I gleaned the pages and chapters, I laughed, and I cried, but most of all, I was blessed and touched by the balance and wisdom that comes with fifty years in the public arena. Interestingly enough, it was not his phenomenal success in ministry or his fraternizing with the Who’s Who of the world, the powerful, the rich, and the famous (from presidents, to entrepreneurs, to despots) that spoke profoundly to me. The great wisdom of his life is his balanced Biblical world view of marriage, family, and community. This view carried Ruth, himself, and their children through almost unbelievable odds and temptations to model by God’s grace what these institutions of God should be when lived within the paradigm of scriptural revelation.

In this context I would like to include one of the most insightful quotes from his book:

"Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one. How can I say two things that seem so contradictory? . . . Being human, not one of us will ever have a relationship with another person that doesn’t have a wrinkle or a wart on it somewhere. The unblemished ideal exists only in ‘happily ever after’ fairy tales. I think that there is some merit to a description I once read of a married couple as ‘happily incompatible.’ Ruth likes to say, ‘If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.’ The sooner we accept that as a fact of life, the better we will be able to adjust to each other and enjoy togetherness. ‘Happily incompatible’ is a good adjustment."

Once, when asked by a reporter whether she had seriously thought about divorcing Dr. Graham (due to the many times of their being apart and their differing areas of interest), Ruth Graham replied facetiously, "No, but I have thought about murder a few times!"

In stark contrast to the conventional wisdom of non-Biblical cultures through the centuries and especially, in the modern era, stands the truth of the Word of God on marriage, family, and community as a celebration of "diversity" within the center of God, Law, and Purpose–God in the context of his being the creator and designer of these institutions, Law as a revelation of the boundaries, blessings, and order within these institutions, and Purpose as the fulfillment and completion of the intended design.

God

"The beginning of wisdom" for every area of life, the scriptures declare, is reverence, awe, and acknowledgment of God the Father as the sovereign creator and designer of all things. Because marriage, family, and community are his masterpieces of design for a fulfilled and orderly society, we have much from which to benefit and learn when we once again forsake alternate ideas and appeal to the revelation of God in the Holy Writ.

When Jesus appeared on the scene of Jewish and Roman history in the first century, in principle he came to a Jewish world and a secular Roman society not so different from the twentieth century, itself–people in need of reform and restoration to the original design.

Periodically, in the records of the Synoptic Gospels, Jesus was drawn by the religious leaders of the sects of the Jews in Palestine into one of the greatest social and religious debates of his time–marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Most were divided into two schools of thought concerning Deuteronomy 24 on this subject. The School of Shammai taught that a marriage could be invalidated only for fornication (sexual impurity). The majority view followed the reasoning of the School of Hillel which taught that divorce and remarriage could be obtained for "any and every reason." In modern times "any and every reason" would best come under the term "incompatibility." In reality incompatibility became the number one excuse for divorce in the first century!

During the intertestamental the Judaism of Palestine and of the Diaspora in the East and the West had become so traditionalized and Hellenized that many hearts had become "hardened" and blinded to one of the greatest revelations of God to the Hebrew nation in Holy Scripture: "diversity in unity." This change in their world view affected every aspect of their Jewish life. Finally, marriage was affected in the context that distinctives and diversities between males and females, not only in gender, but also in personality, interests, and backgrounds, came to be viewed by many as intolerable "impediments" rather than strengths to be adjusted, celebrated, and blended within the God-centered design. Secondly, families were destroyed and cast on junk heaps by the inevitable "easy divorces" which followed as new generations were blinded to true Godly relationships. Thirdly, this world view change diminished Jewish society both in Palestine and among the Diaspora. Continuous debates arose over who were the "true Jews" or the "purest Jews." Their tribal and vocational distinctives and uniquenesses historically given by God for their strength and embellishment as a people now became excuses for sectarian intolerance, ethnic bias, and racial hatred. The temple and their common hatred of Roman occupation became the only unifying factors, if we may call that unity. This scenario is not too far removed from present-day society and the Christian church in the western world.

Each time Jesus was questioned on this subject, the religious leaders always began with the question: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" Rather than debate the legalities of the issue, the Son of God appealed to the Father’s original intent and design that predated the law when he replied, "Haven’t you read . . . that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Next, Jesus does an expose on the real culprit that keeps men and women in marriages, in families, and in community from enjoying true togetherness and compatibility: "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning . . ." Hardness and blindness of heart seeks to pressure or squeeze another person into our mold rather than putting us together into the mold of the Creator. The Lord God said it profoundly when he declared through the Prophet Isaiah, "My people perish for the lack of knowledge."

The first real answer to "Happily Incompatible" or compatibility in marriage and family begins with submission to God the Father through the transforming grace of Jesus Christ. This God centeredness brings together the diversities of our lives into a Godly-adjusted togetherness, not sameness. Although numerous non-Biblical militant groups and agendas seek to blur the gender boundaries and to rewrite the script of marriage, family, and community after the hardness of their own hearts, a new thing is happening. A renewal of marriage, family, and community is taking place in the United States and around the world wherever secular and believing people dare to rediscover the original God’s given blueprint.

Law

No society can long endure without a reverence for the "rule of law." People without exception need boundaries in order to become and remain healthy individuals.

One of the greatest detriments within much of the Christian church today is its misconception that the covenant of grace destroyed the law of God. Jesus could not have made it clearer when he said, "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." The Apostle Paul said to the Roman church, "Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law." Later in his letter to the Romans, Paul reveals the weakness of God’s spiritual law and principles as being the sinfulness of men’s flesh. For this reason the commandments of God were originally revealed through tables of stone, parchment, and carnal ordinances.

The wonder of the New Testament is that by the redemption of Christ and the purging of the conscience of man, God the Father perfected the law. He did this by moving it from stone, parchment, and carnal ordinances to the perfected order of writing it with the pen of the Spirit of his Divine nature upon the fleshly tables of our hearts. By doing this the desire and nature of the original intent, spirit, and design of his plan and purpose for marriage, family, and community could be actualized within us.

King Solomon once said through his proverbs, "Where there is no revelation [vision], the people cast off restraint; but blessed is he who keeps the law." The revelation and vision he speaks of is first the Godly plan revealed in Holy Scripture and secondly the blessedness, fulfillment, and Godly posterity of those who follow it.

The principle of law in Holy Scripture commands us to fulfill it in two ways: "Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength," and "Love your neighbor as yourself." It also reveals in intricate details the nature, actions, and life of such love. To reiterate a few of these wondrous commands, I would echo: "Consider one another," "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ," "Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her," "Marriage is a profound mystery about Christ and the church," "Wives reverence your husbands as to the Lord," "Children obey your parents in the Lord," "Honor thy father and mother," "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord, ""Husbands live with your wives according to knowledge," "Do not defraud each other."

The revelation of true relationship established in the Word of God is a fountain of life to those who choose to understand and live out "Happily Incompatible."

Purpose

Just as a society cannot endure without law, no relationship can long endure without a "common denominator" or transcending purpose. All great marriages, families, and communities find one!

General William Booth, the founder of the Salvation Army, once was invited to have an audience with his majesty King Edward VII at Buckingham Palace. Before his departure the king requested that he write in his autograph book. The old man summed up his life’s work when he wrote: "Your Majesty, some men’s ambition is art, some men’s ambition is fame, some men’s ambition is gold. My ambition is the souls of men."

I think the chief common denominator that is transcendent and paramount in great relationships, both on the vertical and horizontal scales, is stated in the Christian axiom which declares, "Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever."

The Grahams came to this revelation early on in their lives and marriage. It bridged their differences and distinctives and their likes and dislikes. As they denied themselves and disciplined themselves for the souls of men’s sake and for the advancement of the kingdom of God in the earth, the Lord repaid them with a loving marriage, a blessed family, and a sense of community and ecumenism that spans the globe. Jesus said it profoundly, He who loses his life for my sake shall find it."

Once again the words of Dr. Graham ring clearly: "Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one . . . ‘Happily Incompatible’ is a good adjustment."